I got stood up. Left out to dry. Shot through the heart, and you're to blame. And on Valentines Day no less!
I was meant to meet up with the group we went on tour with last summer, Jiminy, to talk about our upcoming shows together in May, the new tracks they've been working on, and a bunch of other fun Jiminy related questions, but was instead met with unanswered calls and sideshow emails.
So, panicked for time, I threw a couple questions at a 4.25 Gallon Pail with Wire Handle & Lid, and it just sat there staring at me as if I were an idiot.
Steige: How do you handle being carried around everywhere you go? You pale in comparison to a shovel. Does this ever make you feel empty? If it got bad enough, would you ever consider kicking the bucket?
S: Picture this: You're human. You've taken half a tab of LSD, and you've gotten it stuck in your head that trying to interview an inanimate plastic bucket is a great idea. First off, from a pail's point of view, as a human, what would you want to know about yourself, the pail? And secondly, how would you go about getting an answer out of something that's got no way of communicating?
S: I hate to be rude, but you're a freakin' bucket. I mean, how is a bucket even supposed to come up with any sort of decent answer to any question at all that isn't "can you carry moderatly weighted objects?" You're the 2nd worst interviewee I've ever had!
So here's what we're going to do, bucket. I'm going to ask you something, and then I'm going to kick you really really hard within the confines of my house. Then I'll translate the sound you make into something that makes more sense than "clomp, bang, smash", okay?
P: (Kick!) That sounds decent.
S: Cute. Now, without involving Alanis Morrisette, don't you think it's ironic that a square can't be a rectangle, but a rectangle can be a square? I mean, I don't. Find it ironic that is. But, what I guess I'm trying to ask is, what's your maximum load bearing capability?
P: (Kick!) Tim Allen, you're one crazy guy.
S: I... I agree.... Bucket, try this on for one-size-fits-all: Why do I seem to fall for every girl that pays me any sort of attention at all? Have I spent too much time secluded in my basement playing the piano, talking to buckets? Am I simply a sucker for a love story? Is it beyond my biological urge to spill and run in order to strengthen my own personal gene-pool? Do all guys fall this easily? Do all people fall this easily? Is everyone always nearly ready to fall in love with anyone at any time, provided they don't have to make the first move and put their heart on the line?
P: (Kick!) Broken glass.
S: Okay, wow! This game sucks! Bucket, introduce next week's interviewee if you wouldn't mind.
S: Right. Next week we'll be talking with Josh Martinez about pizza, rainbows, and his personal plan to blow Satan's mind and stop the apocalypse. We'll also make sure to catch up with those crazy Jiminy cats sooner rather than later and find out what sort of crazy Jiminy shenanigans they've been hurling themselves into these days.
Next week = real person, I promise.
For more nonsensical questions and random answers check out my Interview With Myself, or our Interview with 2 Germans about Hitler and Ramstein. Not down with interviews? Check out The Googly Eye Project!